I think a nicotine habit and a motorcycle would revolutionize my life towards an ultimate good. I would eat better and exercise. I would be a better friend and son. I would study harder and bring fruition to my ambition. I just need to add slow and fast forms of honorable suicide into my life. To peak out at 56 years old when I first start chemo and die a few years later, at worst! That’s worst case scenario. Leaving my wife, who hadn’t stopped loving me yet, with children just about to graduate high school, with a healthy life insurance policy. Or best case, I’m leaving work one day and get ground to paste on the interstate leaving nothing but the contents of my helmet to mourn in the next 4-5 years. With so much life left to live. A tragedy to remember and bring hope, rather than slow decay and natural death in old age. Y’know when someone is just ready to go? It’ll be sad but, acceptable. I guess I’d prefer my death not be acceptable.

In other news I deleted YouTube off of my phone again. I would get stuck in reels loops and constant media. I had to have a video playing. Homework, laundry, cooking, eating, sitting, night time, before bed, once I woke up, tying my shoe, in the shower, awoken in the middle of the night, an idle moment, shitting, pissing, in between video game rounds, reels while a video is playing on the TV, evil, evil, evil, addiction, addiction, addiction. I’ve made posts before about deleting social media apps.

I don’t know what caused me to redownload it. Well, I do know. Recent weeks have been a spiral into a strange depression. I’m tired. I have so much time that I must fill with nothing. I can’t get enough sleep. I can’t stand just laying around. I need to get out and do something! I can’t wait to go home. I would leave my house on some fictitious errand and drive in circles around town. Park at a store and do one lap, then leave empty handed. Drive home and see only an hour had passed. Try to lay down. Get stuck in discomfort. Figure I might as well eat. I wish I was a depression = no eat type of head case. But alas, food is my mood stabilizer. Whenever I feel bad, somehow I think consumption will remedy it. While eating I feel fine its true. While cooking I’ve got something to do. But then I scarf it all down and feel totally unsatisfied. Eat more. Regret. And know that diet and exercise will start next week. Just next week I’ll get on it. Its been what, 10ish years of next weeks? 520 next weeks. So I’ll numb out on the phone in bed.

So I deleted it all, again. Still listening to music or audio book during any quiet moments. But its better than craning my neck and straining my eyes. God the headaches. Perhaps next week will be the week for real. I felt actually ill. My phone was hot in my hand. I can tell that its hurting me. Waves like radiation coming off of it. I wish I could throw it to the bottom of an icy lake. Like an amulet of great magic and evil, the one ring, etc, I should destroy it and save myself and future generations from the evil it brings. But. Can’t. Gotta, idk, text?