To be read to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Achqe_GDUTM

They made female custodes. They were always there. The most surprising part? I couldn’t bring myself to care.

That’s not true. I cared. I just said that cuz it rhymed. I cared, but only because of how shitty it made me feel. No, I didn’t hate the idea of female custodes, or even the now all but inevitability of female space marines. I didn’t hate Games Workshop for going woke, lefty, misandrist, whatever you want to call it. They always were, and can’t afford not to be. Its the cost of ambition nowadays, and if you don’t see that, congratulations, you’re dying in obscurity. Or disgrace. Probably both. It’s also the right thing to do or whatever (sorry, that’s the ambition talking).

No. I cared because this “revelation” by GW writers brought to light something I always knew deep down. The unfortunate reality of the common, modern man’s inability to create out of the pieces given to him. Fair warning, If you’ve ever uttered the phrase “reddit mod” or looked down upon somebody who cried at the premier of Avengers Endgame, stop reading now (I have too, so I have to stop reading, but I’m writing so get fucked and die). I’m not writing for you, you’re a lesser individual who couldn’t think your way out of a paper bag. You’d probably think that cav-erm-paper bag was the whole world, huh? Or that the world is the whole World huh?

I’m subbed to over a hundred youtube channels. Yes I’m mentally ill, move on so you can read my point. I care about watching the uploads of only one: Josh_from_xboxlive. Go ahead, watch the channel and disagree with everything, I really don’t care. What’s that neil-defuck-tysonchicken quote? “Science doesn’t care whether you believe in it or not.” Go ahead. Watch it and don’t believe in it, I genuinely don’t care if you’re that retarded. My point is that Mr. From_Xboxlive’s beliefs and ideas align very much with my own. Ideas which, mind you, I arrived at completely independently. He understands the influence that unconscious currents (the Warp (watch a warhammer lore video, idiot)) have on individuals and societies. He understands that societies are made up of individuals. He understands that the things people believe influence the trajectories of societies far more than what they say they want. He understands that myth is alive, in the same way that we are, and that we are it’s custodians.

Let me ask you a question. When you were a kid, did you play pretend? Maybe with toys, or maybe just outside with your brother-sister. Remember all the lore you created around those make-believe games? Maybe you didn’t make lore, stem major. Or maybe you did and you don’t remember it. Why’d you stop? It was silly, huh? That stuff wasn’t real, right? What would the girls say? The guys? Maybe they’ll think you’re crazy. A creep. Some sort of deviant. One of those weirdos who do rituals and wear masks. Someone whose world goes beyond the material. Or maybe you liked it. Maybe you didn’t care whether people thought you were weird for playing pretend. Maybe you did it in secluded places with like-minded friends. Made up (or found in books) rules to make your pretend game feel more legitimate, more adult. Maybe you got a lot of meaning and guidance out of make-believe games. Maybe playing pretend made you a better person, a better “adult.”

Alright, those of you still reading with greater than room temperature IQ (not useful for measurement of adult intelligence btw) have now come to the conclusion that modern tabletop RPGs and wargames are avenues of make-believe play that is acceptable for adults. Congratulations, you’re doing humanities! Uhh…Psychology or Sociology or something (probably Anthropology). Uh-oh don’t keep it up, you might turn into a *looks back and forth and whispers* poor person with an…unmarketable degree! Big whoop, adults play pretend using rules to make it feel more legitimate. Like I said, greater than room temperature IQ probably came to that conclusion. Don’t need an unmarketable degree to say that! We make myths using little rules. Probably a holdover from when we were *tilts up nose* baser creatures. Other people have figured out how to sell our own myths back to us wearing the mask of games and movies. Here’s the avengers talk, seriously turn back now if your pea-brained degree is abbreviated as “BS”.

You’ve undoubtedly heard the notion of Star Wars and Marvel and whatever other stories we buy being representations of “modern myths.” Maybe you’ve even heard about the oxymoron of the “secular myth.” Can it really be a myth, a “fireside chat” (Josh_From_XboxLive, 2024, 0:09) if you have to wait for someone to tell you that “there were always female custodians.” (Warhammer_Official, 2024). You’re telling me, these fully functional (allegedly), cogent, creative, independent adult fans of warhammer never once at the table told a story about one or two or twenty or a hundred of their little plastic soldiers being female? They had to wait until the High Lords of Terra told them it was okay? Fuck off. Those fans’ own lore about their own little plastic men(/women) is more legitimate than any short story in the new codex. Sorry, but once you sell a myth, it’s not yours to create anymore.

So it made me feel shitty. Because I felt obligated to have an opinion and take a position on something I had already made up my mind about a long time ago. I was being manipulated into caring what this dogshit company tells me is true. Yeah, there’s always been female custodes, but not because GW told me there was. No, some fan or fans or disconnected spiritus mundi said there was, and thus there were. GW is just catching up.

Don’t get me wrong though, Jesus was always and will continue to always have been male. That’s not for you to touch. It’s not for sale, if you will.

References

From_Xboxlive, J. (March 1st, 2024) Ideological Vampires. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y4OrjdnSDI&t=9s

Warhammer Official @warhammer. (April 14, 2024). Since the first Ten Thousand were created, there have always been female Custodians. Tweet. X. https://twitter.com/warhammer/status/1779544596172689822