ANTE REDITUS
Why do I feel the apprehension of battle? All I’ve worked for in the past year is to return to who I was, yet now I’m filled with fear. Is it possible to be the man I once was?
The consequences of being who I had to be have already surfaced. I am apprehensive when talking to people that I don’t know. I hear death in the night, when he isn’t there. I don’t remember how to interact with the ones I care about most! I know that I must adapt again.
Things have changed back home. Neither that man I was, nor the man I am now can hope to fill the holes I have left behind. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to adapt. In a romanticist (and ultimately, foolish) way, I consider myself some kind of nomad. I only worry, how much adaption do this nomad have left in him? The thought of changing again leaves me feeling exhausted before I even have to start.
And so, it’s inevitable I will fail in filling the gap that I’ve left behind. Don’t try to console me on this, I’ve convinced myself that it’ll be okay. The strange thing is, I’m drafting plans and schemes of maneuver, just as I would for work. Only this time, my objective is the minimization of damage to what I treasure most. Sure, I sound corny, but I’ve learned that it’s not about how hard the failure hits. No, it’s all about the rebound from the failure.
God willing, I can make it work.
I cannot post this at the time of drafting for operational security reasons. By the time it does get posted, ‘Return’ will have been several days, even weeks, old.
POST REDITUS
For whoever might be reading this foolish rambling now, be advised that I might be convinced to post some of my other drafts I couldn’t post before. I know I always sound so grim when writing. And I am not sorry for that, I like who I am. Don’t be so surprised when more morose ramblings appear under my name.
“Well, I’m back.”
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