Last night I slept well. Dreamt, though I don’t remember now. And woke up feeling rested and good. Woke a little around my usual time, but thanks to providence I didn’t have my usual morning appointment (driving a family friend’s kid to school) and so I lay back down. Popped up an hour later satisfied to either keep laying, doing nothing, or think of something to do. I felt very relaxed. And my mouth guard was in. Usually I take it out at some point in the night, when my gums start to hurt. But it was in, in the morning.

I’m disgusted with myself. Was it that I actually went to gym and spent my day well yesterday? No. Was it that my job interview went okay, and I even got another interview with a different, better, company lined up next week? No. Is it because I ran a mile, off cuff, under 9 minutes, after a long gap in training? No. Was it due to productive night with my girlfriend featuring a movie and rolling wontons for soup? Not even that.

I’m disgusted because, due to not having my usual morning appointment, and therefore no worry about oversleeping an alarm, I took a prescribed muscle relaxer before bed. I did everything, had done everything right many nights. Tried to progress, mitigate, treat, whatever. But a damn pill solved it. I don’t want a damn pill to solve it. I don’t want my relief to be so easily external.

What? Do I pop one every night now? No. I still feel extra relaxed into the next afternoon. Its not sustainable, I know that. The rest of my life can’t be held hostage in this way. Do I keep on, keeping on? Gym, run, eat well, sex, stress, etc. Keep it all in line? Or do I just take a fucking prescription. Fill it every other week for the rest of my life. So stupid.

My MRI returned nothing. No pituitary gland tumor. No swelling. No signs of lesions or pockets or other indicators of MS. So why did my left side go numb for a week? Why the headaches? Why the anything? Congratulations, you have nothing. Here’s a pill.

I’ll do yoga tonight. And due to an evening appointment (dog sitting at a friend’s) I’ll have to eat out tonight. Probably the nearby Chik-Fil-A. Despite my attempt at a non-UPF diet. Ultra Processed Foods, for the unknowing. Yoga has been good. Its a workout and a sweat, though I never feel sore or worn out afterword or the next day. But in the few weeks I’ve been doing it, and trying to buy into the yogie, stress free, healing energy stuff, it hasn’t done as much for me as a tiny, round, off-white, pill.

Not prayer.

Not church going.

Not vacation.

Not alcohol.

Not exercise.

Not diet.

Not hugs.

Not love.

Just a fucking pill made me feel better than I have in months.