I, Kkander, am again writing from this account/location. We prepare for the big day tomorrow. A half marathon for which we have been training many months. I am not afraid of it. I know what to expect. I better understand how to pace, how to preserve strength, how to prevent injury. My endurance is in a better place than the previous year’s attempt.

Yet, I do have some trepidation. The corner of my eye has begun to hurt and grow inflamed and red. It hurts to blink every few times. Perhaps a passing irritation, or perhaps eye herpes or something. My throat remains dry and I cough on occasion. I am still getting over a sickness that struck just before the race and at a critical ramping in my training. What should have been my most intensive milage week, turned out I was bedridden instead. My knees feel like glass, at any moment they may shatter. They never totally recovered from my first half marathon. But mostly I have a sinking feeling over the high expectations I am placing on myself. To be honest, I want to win. Not the marathon itself of course. I do have a goal time to beat, and am in a good position to make this my PR. But that wouldn’t be enough for me. I want to be of my friends. The group that has been training with me and inspired me to do this again. I want to cross the line before them all. Even by a minute, even by a second.

It is a selfish and cruel hope. I should just have fun and run my best race, shooting for that PR time. However, in my heart of hearts, I don’t care if I lost my PR by 30 minutes so long as that was ahead of my friends. I am not overly competitive, but for some reason this has just ridden my psyche since we began training. Last year my nearest rival in terms of speed, defeated me in the last few miles. Scoring a time 3 minutes better than myself. It has eaten at my mind for the past year. He beat me. My body failed. My mind failed. I didn’t get my goal time. I got injured. But he beat me. That’s what stuck. Because of my failures, I lost to him.

I’ve been going for gold. I of course could have trained harder and more consistently. I know that most of the training group has worked harder for their time than I have. Somehow I’m hoping I can just dig deep and pull it off. Guess we will see.

Really it means nothing. And this is all for fun. And if he be reading this now, I hope you see it as the friendly challenge that it is. Know that you have pushed me. Helped me. Made me build myself. A little competition goes a long way.
I have a million excuses why my time might not hit the mark. And there a million reasons my companions in this have to finish ahead of me.

Yet

I hope its me.

Not much in any other news. The trip has been wonderful and what a tradition this may become. I am very thankful to have a group that values these activities and puts in effort for great deeds like this. I really think we push each other to improve and help each of us grow. I wouldn’t be out here alone. And it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

The Hokx’s girlfriend is lovely by the way.