Breathing hurts. Its always hurt. The calming advice to just focus on your breath, not for me. It hurts. The edges of my nostrils hurt. The back of my nose feels dry. My throat reacts as though I am swallowing sandpaper. Trying to meditate is impossible. All of the meditation gurus would disagree. But it hurts. It hurts to breath. The air is cold and bites as it goes down. Mouth breathing is worse. Then it gets my tongue and my gums and more of my throat. The more I think about it the more it hurts. The more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it of course. The only choice is distraction. Life is a distraction, usually. Unfortunately you can’t not breath. Can’t not breath and have life. Death is no distraction. Maybe death hurts. Because not breathing? Not breathing starts to hurt worse. Not the not breathing part, although sitting there with fish bubble cheeks and straining to not let the air in is kind of difficult. Its the mind piece that makes it hard. The panic part. The need for oxygen part. The body wins in the end. Not that I ever try and hold my breath on purpose. Unless dipping my head in water or watching a movie where the character is swimming and trying to see whether I would survive or not. Its pointless. Truth is its just gonna hurt. Sometimes it makes sleeping hard. Or relaxing. Times when I can’t distract myself from it. Some things help. Vicks Vapor Rub. Candles. Air humidifier. Sticking your finger or arm right under your nose so you can focus on the feeling of the air wishing past the little hairs there and then blowing them out. That helps. Sometimes. Sleeping is when it doesn’t hurt. But I’m starting to think that it still hurts when I’m asleep I just don’t let my self remember. A defense mechanism. Sometimes I wake up with a sore throat. Not just when I’m sick. I wonder what else just hurts like this. That I don’t notice. That my self doesn’t let come to the surface. Because I am sure breathing hurts for everyone. Their minds just don’t pay it attention the way mine does. For some reason mine doesn’t block it out. The way it does, swallowing water, or digesting food, or beating your heart. After all why wouldn’t that hurt? Squeezing thick blood through tiny little straws. You ever try and blow into one of those absolutely useless little cocktail straws? You’ll blow your eyes out of your head just trying. It hurts. Your stomach acid is, well, acid. The lining is just constantly dying and shedding and who knows what. I bet it hurts. All the tiny sphincters in your body, holding everything in place all the time. Its gotta hurt. You ever just hold something up? Even a pen? For an hour? Arm starts to hurt after just a few minutes. Living hurts I guess. And this isn’t some bullshit about how death must not hurt then. Just by contrast y’know. No we don’t know. Never know till we die. Might be all the same. Not breathing might hurt just as bad as breathing. Enough to keep you up at night.