I have never known thirst. Never. I’ve been hungry sure, during a multi-day fast, but never starving. Never gone hungry. What I can boast is that I have been tired. Truly tired. Not slept in days tired. Not slept well in weeks tired. Should be asleep hours ago tired. Fuck it might as well stay up tired. Full day of work, finally got in the gym, went for a run, and had a busy day and for some reason eyes won’t shut tired. Sometimes, the more tired you get the more you know sleep is impossible. Now I’m not saying I’m as tired as some shell shocked World War soldier, or a wildfire firefighter, or like the guy from Fight Club. But I can confidently say I’ve been more tired than 95% of the population. Between college and now night shift work, I think that’s a fair assertion.

However, I don’t care about the average living human. I often compare myself to the human ancestors living 2000+ years ago. The pre-civilized millennia human who’s body and mind were evolved for the pre-industrial world. And I think these hunter gatherers have never even been as close to as tired as me before. Not by a long shot. I’m sure they’ve run many miles over many days, even stayed up a night or two in extreme need. But without the industrial clock I think they would’ve always had appropriate time to recoup. At least in terms of sleep. They could always nap. They probably had in incredible circadian rhythm. Many of todays humans probably carry around more tired than much of their ancestors. We like to think that the early humans would be much tougher. But how tired did they get. How sleepy. For how long could you keep them as sleepy as I am week by week before they’re popping melatonin half-gummies and drinking chamomile as both a prayer and a ritual to the good sleep gods (just for tonight please, one good night).

How often did they wake and their first thought their first thought their first thought THEIR FIRST THOUGHT of the day is ‘when’s the next soonest I can sleep’. For me, that’s been my first thought after hearing my alarm for years. Years and years. I go all day every day, wishing I had slept more. My favorite part of the day is sleeping. Sometimes the only time I feel okay is when I’m asleep. No headache. No pain. No worry. Justified bliss. I’m allowed to feel okay when I sleep, since sleep is something you’re supposed to do and its so important. They say. But don’t sleep too much. Don’t sleep in, that’s bad (but going to bed early is okay?). Oh and don’t take a nap, cuz that will ruin your night sleeping. Can’t risk ruining the night sleep with the day sleep.

Not that it matters. I can count on one hand how many days I’ve woken and felt rested this year. 2 hours of sleep feels the same as 7 hours feels the same as 12. And now I’m getting old and I wake up with my shoulder hurting or my back sore or my neck kinked. Because for some reason I laid incorrectly on my manufactured, modern, softer than any kings bed in history, bed. Whoops. Should’ve laid better.

Really I’m writing this because I am tired. It’s nearly 5am. I’ve been up all night. I don’t know when I’ll sleep next. I wish I was asleep. But I can’t. Body wouldn’t let me earlier for some reason. And, I have to strategize when I let myself sleep. Sleeping now would mess up my sleeping later, when it matters more. But in all likelihood I won’t be able to sleep when I want then, and now I’ll be two sleeps behind schedule for the work week to start. Yippee.

Night shift workers should be better compensated. I do get a noticeable pay percentage. But nearly two years in I don’t think it is enough. Who knows what damage this prolonged sleep depravation has done to my brain. My eye sight is worse. Very noticeably worse. A combination of decreased exposure to sunlight, artificial light, and close up work. I cannot see as far as I could a year ago. My skin is translucent pale. When I do get sunlight I burn after just an hour under the sun. My eyes hurt when there’s too much light. My face muscles get tired from squinting. I feel weaker. I think cuts take longer to heal. I’m sore more often and for longer. Countless downsides to being a night creature when you aren’t adapted to it.

The social factor is huge as well. I’ve heard it was better before COVID. Places used to be open later, and open up earlier. But no more. There’s no food for me. Except for a few select fast food places. There’s no entertainment for me. The gyms aren’t twenty four hour anymore. If I don’t work, but I keep my sleep schedule during the weekend (which I often don’t, or do a skewed bedtime for these reasons), If I wake up at 6pm, I only have 2 hours before 90% of the restaurants, shops, and anything else, closes. Can’t be out and about once the sun goes down. No parks. No hikes. No walks. I just have my house. Whatever I can cook, and whatever entertainment I can produce for myself. I have a thin wall between me and my neighbors so I can’t clean that much. Can’t vacuum. I have to keep quiet. Though, when its time for me to sleep, I can’t really expect them to pipe down. Or the traffic. Or the trash truck. Or the birds.

This isn’t sustainable. There are career long night shifters, they seem fine. Maybe some people are up for it. I need to get out before I die.

**Another post without being proofread. Thanks for making it this far. Be sure to hit like, subscribe, and the bell on your way out.