I told a private to get off his phone the other day. For undisclosed reasons, his phone should’ve been shut down, in his pocket. I had done it, it’s not life or death, just the rules that we must follow. I didn’t mean to come off as aggressive, yet my voice made it sound so. I want to be the sergeant that is approachable. When I was of lower rank, I hated the NCOs who would get mad over a simple correction. That’s not me.

I told my mother that I had to go, I was busy. I was not busy, I just needed to get away from her voice. Why didn’t I just stay on the line? It would’ve made her day to have me stay on for another 10, 15 minutes. All so I could hear her praise me for my “heroics”, my “bravery”. As if that isn’t a farce. Should I have told her how much I can’t stand her flattery? She’s my mother, what am I supposed to say? I don’t want to be this golden knight on a hill for my family, it’s not them who know me as I know me. I don’t want to be admired for the path I’ve chosen.

The girl from the club, I told her I loved her. I didn’t. I didn’t even want the quick, cheap release of sex. So what did I want then? We danced, drank, she was head over heels for me. And what did I do in return, give her a fake number, and escape to the other side of the world. My friends were impressed with me, could I have just wanted to show them that side of me? No I don’t know what I want. I do know that when I left that evening, I had no intention of finding anyone. And yet again, my words fail me. I say one thing and act out another. I failed.

I envy those who are so focused in what they want, and who they are. I’ve never had tunnel vision towards what I’m striving for. All I am, is a collection of memories, knowing who and what I don’t want to be. So who am I? And who will I be when the contract runs it’s course?