At my job I have a work phone. I refuse to associate any of my personal social media, or sign into any sort of TV subscriptions or YouTube. I do have Audible and Spotify, but no video or streaming. However, I do not have reddit on my personal phone, that is unique to my work phone WHILE I’m at work. I think it is important to separate work from home as much as you can and this is one of my methods.

Anyway I was on reddit and came across a video of an apparent Russia soldier laying a foxhole. The description of the video said that this individual was surrounded and under fire and concludes to take his own life. You watch as the soldier turns his rifle on himself. It seems to me at first that he wrestles with this choice, and then eventually lines up a shot into his temple and fires. The description clarifies that, what I took as indecision, was actually the soldier firing into themselves without success. I then re-watched the video, and the truth of this was made apparent. The rifle kicks and fires into the face and neck and chest of this person a few times before, in desperation and pain, resolve to line up the hot barrel of the rifle with their forehead and end their suffering. I thought the video was horrific before, when I thought this poor soul was just contemplating suicide and eventually performed the dead quick and clean, but now it had another layer to it. It was messy and prolonged as well.

I do have some questions about the validity of the video. The perspective is as from a plane or drone high above this soldier, zooming down onto the situation. I’m not sure why this footage would be recorded, or shared. I am very wary of propaganda coming from this Ukrainian conflict. I think a lot of the information and media we receive here in America has an obvious pro-Ukraine tilt. I have not been following this war very closely. My position is one for peace. I do not like war of any kind, any life lost is unacceptable. War is the failure of other policy. That isn’t to say I don’t see Russia as the aggressor in this, and of course many Ukrainians are fighting for their own country and lives. But it isn’t my country, it isn’t my land. I don’t want to pick a side. I don’t have to. I don’t think America does either. America, and other western countries, surely have the means to wield their geopolitical power to end this conflict, make peace, stop the fighting. Yet instead our aid is being sent to keep this conflict seemingly perpetual. And for these reasons I keep a very distrustful eye on the media coming to me about it. You’re telling me every video from Ukraine you see is them being badass or heroic, and every video of a Russian is them surrendering or getting drone bombed? There surely are misdeeds, dishonor, crimes, and acts of dehumanization being committed by war leaders and soldiers on both sides of this conflict. It is understood that many of these Russian soldiers are forced into arms and find themselves in a situation they wouldn’t wish for.

And so when I watch this video, I found myself thinking ‘this poor person’. Then I read the comments section under this video. To my shock, the knot in my stomach after watching a man fumble to kill himself only tightened. Comment after comment made fun of this person. Noted that he was one of the only good Russians for doing this. Said that its what he deserved. Linked to other videos of Russians crying and begging. I actually revolted and pulled away from these comments. I couldn’t believe that EVERY comment was one of delight and joy and amusement. There were NONE that had an ounce of sympathy for this person who was scared, alone, and now dead. Reddit has its biases. But usually its more compassionate than it is cruel. This was cruel.

I’m sure that if this conflict was closer to my home, I would have much stronger opinions. I bet if I lived in a European nation that boarded these places, I’d have much more hate for the Russians. I bet I’d make jokes about their dead and dying, and view the Ukrainians like saints and heroes. But, as far as I can tell, these comments were made by Americans. It was a recent post, all the comments were in English, the usernames didn’t seem Polish or something. These Americans were calling this Russian a dog and a pig and scum and all the rest.

It just disturbed me. I think its part of the propaganda machine. I think its the fact that it is a far away conflict that doesn’t really affect ‘us’. I think its part of some kind of 5 minutes of hate on this otherwise pro-understanding website. If it was Putin shooting himself on live television, or Hitler with the gun in his mouth in that bunker, that would be different. This was just some guy who probably didn’t want to be there.