In the good ‘ol American days when enterprising small business people pulled old train cars off the tracks and outfitted them with style, I bet the classic Diner was a sacred temple for the average Joe. Coffee and hash, a good diner burger, some southern soul food favorite. This was America at its finest. However, like everything, the Diner has fallen. When this transformation from staple to sub-standard took place I cannot quite pinpoint. Maybe it was September 11th, which broke the will of the American and his favorite food establishment. Maybe it was 2008 and its rippling economic effects. Maybe it was the second term of the Obama administration, not sure why but maybe. One way or another, as I have grown to adulthood I have come to despise the diner.

For one: I don’t like the atmosphere. I have an inherent disfavor for the old ways of things. I’m a young whipper snapper after all. But coming in and some apron wearing, hair curler using, cigarette break every half hour, type waitress seating me at the decades old uncushioned booth and setting a plastic faded menu down on the sticky ass table, just doesn’t sit right with me. There I am, surrounded by the tired and retired. Sucking down their coffee and hacking coughs all around. It’s like an underfunded interactive museum exhibit. “The bygone age! Come and experience a world when the American dream was alive and well! Here at Denny’s!” Perhaps my attitude about the place would be much improved if the waitress had her 1920’s figure, and the granddad and grandmoms around me were in their prime and the place was lively. Instead it feels like the waiting lobby for a cemetery plot auction.

For two: The food is bad. Are pancakes bad? Are eggs or bacon strips bad? Are the hashbrowns not browned or something? That’s not what I am saying. As a somewhat health conscious individual I do have it in the back of my mind that this isn’t the best meal for me. But this would be acceptable if the quality was there alongside of a good price and some convenience. But alas none of these factors are present. I blame Olive Garden, or Mcdonald’s. There is a formula now which cannot be broken. These are cheap ingredients (by nature they should be! but they are) made as cheaply and with as much regularity as possible. There has only been a decrease in quality of all of these establishments. The cheapest factory farm eggs. The thinnest bacon slice possible. A pre-made package pancake mix. All made by an underpaid employee following a sheet of procedures and standards. There is no art in the food at all. It’s just nutrient paste for the elderly.

For three: The price is no longer worth it. This entire rant is due to my recent breakfast at The Blue Moon Diner near Aloha Oregon. My order was a cup of coffee, two eggs, two bacon strips, and a short stack (two) pancakes. The bill was $18 dollars and change. I almost couldn’t fathom it. Inflation or something I guess. No wonder the place was empty. I could have made the same exact meal everyday for a week for $18! A box of hungry jack, a dozen eggs, red can of folgers, and some Johnsonvilles and I could have produced the same food for a few days. These places are only still in business because of nostalgia and the fact that old dogs don’t learn new tricks. The old and infirm cannot cook for themselves so much as they dare not adventure to new food experiences.

Blue Moon Diner gets a -1.

**Disclaimer: I just don’t like omelettes. Be aware of this bias**

Avocado Toast

Am I just some young buck millennial? in some ways I am sure that might be part of it. I just think American has not figured out a new way of retauranteering. Parking lot, wait to sit, order drink, order food, wait, eat, pay, back in the car. That is the American food experience. It is so old. It is anti-human. It is a thing of bygone era. Do I have an alternative? Not off the top of my head. I feel we are stuck with the world Henry Ford built. I think, given certain economic and political situations, we are stuck with diners for a few more generations. The good ones may survive and become things of novelty and nostalgia. But it is my hope that these chain places like IHOP and Denny’s are shut down and replaced with parks or something beneficial to society. Once the boomers are gone, I don’t know what the world of dining will look like. It just has to be better than what we have now.

**Before you even say it: Wecks in ABQ is awesome. It keeps the style of the Diner but offers good service and combines the expected hashbrown and egg order with local culture and flavors. The rest of the world is ignorant to such possibilities.**